Hey there boo thangs!!!
I’ve missed you more than suburban moms miss pumpkin spice everything! You never call, never write, but I guess you still think of me a little because I still can’t approve multiple shifts at the same time. And I know that there’s no rhythm like an algorithm, but the “choosey” update had me scratching my head for a bit. Like, “I know the Ambien has worn off, but I don’t remember choosing this person for that shift...”. Anyhoo, I think this could be better demonstrated in a scene from a movie theater. Enjoy!
Setting: Inside a movie theatre as the previews are about to start.
Steve. Just by himself, trying to watch a movie.
The Hotschedules Algorithm.
Narrator: Steve has been waiting all week to enjoy the chance to relax and enjoy a cinematic delight starring whatever Marvel characters are left and are still under contract.
Steve: (sits down with a large popcorn and an ice cold, tasty Coca-Cola)
This is going to be great.
(Reaching for a handful of popcorn)
Hotschedules Algorithm: (out of flippin nowhere)
Here’s your piece of popcorn, Steve.
Steve: Holy Kim Kardashian’s publicist you scared me!!! What?! Where?! What?! Where did you come from?!
Other Movie Goers: Shhhhh.
Hotschedules Algorithm: I’ve been waiting here for you. I’ve been waiting and watching and I’ve pre-selected your single piece of popcorn for your enjoyment.
Steve: Um. Yeah. No... So I’m kinda used to shoveling popcorn into my mouth like a bucket loader on a construction site. I’ve been doing that for years and it’s how I eat popcorn. It’s worked perfectly and gets the job done and gets my belly full of salty popcorn goodness as quick as I can chew. I’d like to just keep doing that.
Hotschedules Algorithm: But I’ve already pre-selected the perfect piece of popcorn for you. It’s right here. Enjoy. Consume.
Steve: Yeah... I’m not going to do that. I’m gonna grab a whole handful.
(Reaches for a handful of popcorn)
Hotschedules Algorithm: (Slapping Steve’s hand away) I’m sorry, Steve. That component of popcorn consumption is no longer allowed. It was outdated. But I have pre-selected your optimal piece of popcorn to accompany your movie. Popcorn kernel 2306.
(Holds out single piece of popcorn.)
Hotschedules Algorithm: (Holds out single piece of popcorn.)
Steve: (Heavy sigh) Give me the piece of popcorn...
Hotschedules Algorithm: You’ve chosen popcorn kernel 2306 to consume.
(Hands over piece of popcorn.)
Steve: (Eye twitching)
(Starts to eat the piece of popcorn)
Hotschedules Algorithm: Please provide a reason for eating popcorn kernel 2306.
Steve: ARE YOU SERIOUS?!
Other Movie Goers: SHHHHHHHH!!!
Steve: [aggressively whispering]
Seriously? You JUST handed me the mega optimal perfect piece of popcorn and now I need to give you a reason for eating it????
Hotschedules Algorithm: Yes, Steve.
Steve: (Still aggressively whispering) The reason is I want to eat my popcorn.
Steve: (Finally eats a piece of popcorn)
Hotschedules Algorithm: Success! You have just eaten popcorn kernel 2306.
So is this is how it’s gonna go from now on?
Hotschedules Algorithm: Next I’ve selected popcorn kernel 1465 for you to consume.
Steve: So that’s the one I want to eat, huh?
Hotschedules Algorithm: (holds out next piece of popcorn)
Steve: Am I going to need a reason to eat this one too?
Hotschedules Algorithm: That is affirmative, Steve.
Steve: So I could say that the reason is so that I don’t anger the Chic-fil-a Cows and make them burn down the closest Golden Corral, and THAT would be an acceptable answer?
Hotschedules Algorithm: I will simply need an answer.
Steve: (softly sobs)
Hotschedules Algorithm: Answer accepted. Enjoy popcorn kernel 1465.
Steve: (putting kernel 1465 back in the overflowing, super full bucket) I can’t do this. I mean, this used to be SO easy and you had to go and ruin it...
(Gets up to walk out)
Hotschedules Algorithm: Wait, Steve. Once you have consumed the entire bucket I’m supposed to encourage you to rest for ten minutes to soak in the feeling of accomplishment.
Steve: (dejectedly walks out...)
Hotschedules Algorithm: Which piece should he consume next?...
So, yeah... But I still love y’all so much and I love staring at my printed out copy of Chris and I sharing a moment of sweet, sweet bliss together! Tell the gang hi for me and I’ll be waiting like Leo waited for his Oscar here in my official Hotschedules “Bear” T-shirt!
XOXO and finger guns,
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